What if we think our relationship is beyond saving and we are discussing possible divorce?

II would want each person in the relationship to consider a few important questions before considering divorce as an option. 

​1. Can you as individuals and as a couple go to sleep at night knowing you have put 100% effort in making the marriage work? 
This is very important because neither person wants to look back and have any regrets for going forward with a major decision like divorce. You don’t want to say to yourself “What if I …”.  You want to be able to tell yourself and each other you did everything you could to heal any hurts and or resentments that may have developed through the years.
 
2. Can each person in the relationship look in the mirror and see the part they played in how the marriage got to a place where divorce is an option? 
Rarely are marriage problems one sided. The reality of this answer goes back to question number one. Each person in the relationship needs to be able to identify their own limitations and weaknesses in the marriage and be able to say they have put maximum effort into overcoming and changing those limitations and weaknesses. It is easy to blame or focus on the other’s weaknesses and limitations but it is a lot more difficult to look in the mirror at our own limitations and weaknesses. 

3. Is the decision for possible divorce being made emotionally or is it a decision that has been thought through and one or both can say it is the best decision under the circumstances?
When decisions are made emotionally, this can lead to regrets and “What if’s”. The reality is that most divorces are made by one and rarely by both. Someone will most often not want it and will be more hurt by the divorce. The one making the final decision, should be making it intentionally and thoughtfully and not emotionally. 

4. Are there any unresolved hurts or resentments in the relationship?
If divorce is being considered there usually are a lot of hurt feelings and resentments due to chronic challenges or major trust breaking events. If these have not been worked through, this can also cause some regrets and “What if’s” down the road. Working through and healing these hurts and resentments does not mean staying together is always best, but divorce rarely, if ever, magically makes these hurts and resentments go away. So, wether divorce is right or not, making sure these are worked through are very important. If they are not, those feelings will probably find their way into future relationships. 

5. Finally, have they found a therapist that they both trust to help them navigate this decision?
I tell most people in this situation if divorce is right today, it will be right in 6 months or a year form now. I challenge people to put the effort in for one year and see where they are at that time. They key here is “effort”. Both will reevaluate every 3 months or so to see if they are at a better place than before. A good counselor that they feel is a good fit can provide them with the skills and tools to heal their relationship if they put in the effort to practice those skills both as individuals and as a couple.