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This can easily be answered with three words - Change your story! What do I mean by change your story? It may be a little more complicated that just changing your story, but maybe not. When we look at emotion regulation we usually want to change our emotion and our behavior, or reactions to our emotions. Just how do we do that?
Let’s start with what’s causing the emotion in the first place. With this question, it’s clearly other drivers on the road and what these drivers do or do not do while driving. Maybe they cut us off, drive too slow, or too fast, run red lights or stop signs, almost hit us, and the list can go on and on! I use driving as an example for emotion regulation very often because it is such a universal human experience that most people can relate to it in one way or another! I would say anybody who drives has had an emotional reaction to other drivers, whether that is being a little annoyed or having full blown road rage. Most people probably fall somewhere in the middle. If the other drivers was the cause of our emotions, we all would have the same emotional reactions. Clearly that is not the case. The fact the not everybody has the same emotional and behavioral responses to other driver’s shortcomings, teaches us something different is going on with those who get annoyed vs those who rage, or more commonly get angry and may utter a not so nice statement, either in their mind or out loud. What is different between these drivers and their reactions? Simply but, they have different stories. Said another way, their perceptions and thoughts about “why” the other driver did what they did, is different. Following are some examples of different stories or perceptions and the possible emotions attached to them: Story and Emotion I can’t believe they did that! What a jerk! They don’t care about anybody else on the road. Anger What an &%$@ hole! THey could have killed me or someone else! Anger Wow, that was careless! They need to learn how to drive. Frustrated Rude! Annoyed They sure are in a hurry, hope everything is ok! Worry, Concern I bet they are on their phone (or you see they are on their phone)! Anger, frustration We allow our stories and our reactions to become very habitual. We are kind of on “autopilot” with our thoughts, feelings, and actions. When we get off “autopilot” and become very aware and mindful of our story and challenge the story, we can become very in control of our emotions. This is definitely easier said than done! Practice makes better. The good news is, you will have plenty of opportunity to practice being aware of your story and not just when driving. This concept is true in all situations that create strong emotions. Nine times out of ten, when our emotions get to the level of anger, it usually is because our story is off. What if our story is “right”? Maybe they are a jerk or an &%#@hole? The reality is, we really do not know. I had an “aha” moment while driving that changed me getting angry at other drivers (for the vast majority of the time:). I was guilty of turning in front of someone and almost causing an accident. The person honked and gave me the universal hand jester of them being upset with me. I assume they had some not so nice thoughts about me. I had some interesting thoughts in that moment. I thought, if they really knew me, they would know I’m not a jerk or an &%#@hole. They would know I made an honest mistake of inattention and would not have waved to me with their middle finger. They would know I’m a nice guy! In that moment, I realized that I had done, at some time or another, most, if not all, the things I have got upset at toward other drivers. I know I’m not a bad guy or even a bad driver, most of the time. So, maybe they are not either. Maybe they just “made a mistake” like me? So, now I try to give others the benefit of the doubt whether I’m driving or in any other of life circumstances. I am definitely not perfect at this. Sometimes, I too get on “autopilot” and react in an unhealthy way. Luckily, life gives me opportunities every day to be mindful of my story and keep my emotions and behavior in check! So how do you control your emotions while driving? Change your story!
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One of the main lessons I have learned from COVID-19 is how people have "Reacted" vs "Responded" to this crisis. In this post I want to explain the difference and encourage you to apply the healthy option not only to the current stressor of COVID-19 but to all other stressors that come up throughout life. This could be how we respond to a spouse or child, whether or not we give into a trigger for an addiction, deal with anger and so on.
Reacting
Responding
Do you "react" to situations or do you "respond"? What would others say about you? As I said above, going through this COVID-19 craziness, we are seeing a lot of reacting, hence we can't buy toilet paper unless we get in line at Costco at 4AM! People have clearly acted on the emotions of fear, uncertainty and stress. They have primarily been "me" focused, not thinking about the next person that may need those supplies or food. If society as a whole would have "responded" more, we would be in a little different situation. Obviously many good people have "responded" very well and very generously in this crazy time as well, and to them I am grateful! People are good!! I really like the following tool to help us Respond instead of React. STOP: The One Minute Breathing Space Share your thoughts and share this with someone that you think could benefit from it:) Make it a great day and make it a great week! |
AuthorGarron Griffitts, LCSW Archives
August 2025
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