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This can easily be answered with three words - Change your story! What do I mean by change your story? It may be a little more complicated that just changing your story, but maybe not. When we look at emotion regulation we usually want to change our emotion and our behavior, or reactions to our emotions. Just how do we do that?
Let’s start with what’s causing the emotion in the first place. With this question, it’s clearly other drivers on the road and what these drivers do or do not do while driving. Maybe they cut us off, drive too slow, or too fast, run red lights or stop signs, almost hit us, and the list can go on and on! I use driving as an example for emotion regulation very often because it is such a universal human experience that most people can relate to it in one way or another! I would say anybody who drives has had an emotional reaction to other drivers, whether that is being a little annoyed or having full blown road rage. Most people probably fall somewhere in the middle. If the other drivers was the cause of our emotions, we all would have the same emotional reactions. Clearly that is not the case. The fact the not everybody has the same emotional and behavioral responses to other driver’s shortcomings, teaches us something different is going on with those who get annoyed vs those who rage, or more commonly get angry and may utter a not so nice statement, either in their mind or out loud. What is different between these drivers and their reactions? Simply but, they have different stories. Said another way, their perceptions and thoughts about “why” the other driver did what they did, is different. Following are some examples of different stories or perceptions and the possible emotions attached to them: Story and Emotion I can’t believe they did that! What a jerk! They don’t care about anybody else on the road. Anger What an &%$@ hole! THey could have killed me or someone else! Anger Wow, that was careless! They need to learn how to drive. Frustrated Rude! Annoyed They sure are in a hurry, hope everything is ok! Worry, Concern I bet they are on their phone (or you see they are on their phone)! Anger, frustration We allow our stories and our reactions to become very habitual. We are kind of on “autopilot” with our thoughts, feelings, and actions. When we get off “autopilot” and become very aware and mindful of our story and challenge the story, we can become very in control of our emotions. This is definitely easier said than done! Practice makes better. The good news is, you will have plenty of opportunity to practice being aware of your story and not just when driving. This concept is true in all situations that create strong emotions. Nine times out of ten, when our emotions get to the level of anger, it usually is because our story is off. What if our story is “right”? Maybe they are a jerk or an &%#@hole? The reality is, we really do not know. I had an “aha” moment while driving that changed me getting angry at other drivers (for the vast majority of the time:). I was guilty of turning in front of someone and almost causing an accident. The person honked and gave me the universal hand jester of them being upset with me. I assume they had some not so nice thoughts about me. I had some interesting thoughts in that moment. I thought, if they really knew me, they would know I’m not a jerk or an &%#@hole. They would know I made an honest mistake of inattention and would not have waved to me with their middle finger. They would know I’m a nice guy! In that moment, I realized that I had done, at some time or another, most, if not all, the things I have got upset at toward other drivers. I know I’m not a bad guy or even a bad driver, most of the time. So, maybe they are not either. Maybe they just “made a mistake” like me? So, now I try to give others the benefit of the doubt whether I’m driving or in any other of life circumstances. I am definitely not perfect at this. Sometimes, I too get on “autopilot” and react in an unhealthy way. Luckily, life gives me opportunities every day to be mindful of my story and keep my emotions and behavior in check! So how do you control your emotions while driving? Change your story!
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Approaching a loved one about concerns regarding their either obvious or suspected problem with an addiction can be challenging to say the least. How is this to be done effectively? So much will depend on where they are at with acknowledging their problem. As a loved one, I believe it is important to have a basic idea of the Stages of Change people tend to go through when they change any behavior, including an addiction. This concept comes from decades of research by a group of people who wanted to understand how people change successfully. I highly recommend the book, “Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively” Forward by James O. Prochaska, John Norcross, Carlo DiClemente.
I believe it is important to understand these stages because it will determine how a loved one and even an informed counselor will approach the situation. Each stage has specific ways to help. Following is a brief explanation of the stages of change. When it comes to addiction, I only go over the first 5 stages of change. Stage 1: Precontemplation This is what I call the proverbial “denial” stage. People in this stage are not even thinking about changing their behavior. When their behavior is brought up, they often get defensive and deny that their behavior causes any problems in their life. Stage 2: Contemplation When someone is in this stage of change, they are thinking about changing their behavior. They may not know when or how but they know their behavior is a problem and they are considering making a change. When others bring up their behavior, they are much more likely to listen and not get defensive. Stage 3: Preparation This is the “planning” stage of change. They are staring to do their homework and look for the best ways to go about stopping their behavior. Do they need professional help? What level of professional help to they need? This could be residential treatment, like a rehab center. This is where they will go and live for thirty plus days. They could join an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) or work with an individual therapist. These are the professional options. The non professional options is a support group such as AA or other Anonymous groups, Celebrate Recovery (faith based), or SMART Recovery (cognitive approach). Or, they could just decide to do it on their own without any professional or support group help. While they are in the preparation stage of change, they are also deciding the when they will implement the course of action they choose. This is usually within a short period of time. Stage 4: Action This is what I call the “Nike” stage of change. This is when they “just do it”. They put into action their plan. They go to treatment or a support group. They stick to the date they chose to stop and do it. This does not mean their will not be slips or relapses, but if they stay in action, they get back on track and continue their plan of stopping. Stage 5: Maintenance Maintenance is the stage I refer to as “recovery”. This is where they have been successful with their sobriety for a period of time and are maintaining it consistently. If someone will not admit they have a problem, then they obviously are in the Precontemplation stage of change. We cannot expect them to be in any other stage until they choose to get there. So how can you help in this situation? The authors of The Stages of Change teach that the best way to help someone in Precontemplation is to raise their awareness of the problems their behavior may be creating in their life. However, this does take some finesse from my experience. I have found that approaching the situation from a place of love, concern, and curiosity will give you the best chance for them to respond positively. It’s not a guarantee, it will just give you the best chance. Possible ways to to start the conversation:
Another good book is Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, and Emily Gregory. This book goes into great detail on how to have difficult conversations with others. Here are for steps they outline when addressing difficult topics: 1. See and Hear: Start by addressing the facts of what you have seen and heard. Do not talk about what you think is going on or what you assume is going on. Only state the facts. These are things that they could not refute, at least logically. 2. Story: Share what thoughts you are having about the situation. Your thoughts may or may not align with their thoughts and that is ok. This is where you can share your perceptions about the situation, right or wrong. 3. Feel: Based on the facts and your story (or thoughts and perceptions about the facts), what feelings do you have. Examples may be worried, concerned, afraid etc. 4. Act: What are you requesting they do? Or do you have specific boundaries that need to be set based on the behavior you have seen? You might say something like, “Have you considered talking to a professional?” Or “Would you be willing to talk to someone and get a professional opinion?” Obviously, there is not a guarantee that this will work. Especially, if they are deep in the Precontemplation stage of change. What is being done, is they know you care and are concerned about them and you may be planting a seed for them to consider that they may have a problem and they will move themself from Precontemplation to Contemplation, thus on the way to changing their behavior! Here my top ten tips to making sure your marriage is as strong in 20 years as it was the day you got married.
Tip 1: Never stop putting in the effort Thriving marriages take consistent effort over the duration of the relationship. When a couple first meets, they willingly put in maximum effort to get the other to fall in love with them. Each person does what they need to do to ensure the relationship progresses in the direction they want. Thriving marriages are skill-based, not just love-based. The problem is that too many couples rely solely on the fact that they love each other and don’t put in the effort and energy to learn how to stay in love. When the butterflies fly away, they need the skills and tools to keep the love strong. They need to do love (the verb), not just rely on love (the feeling). People tend to put a lot of effort into learning the skills for their career. They’ll attend seminars, trainings, workshops, and earn multiple certifications to be the best at their craft. People will also invest a lot of time and effort in learning their hobby—whether it’s golf, hunting, gaming, cooking, gardening, etc.If people put as much energy, time, and money into learning how to be the best spouse they could be, we would have far fewer divorces. Tip 2: Know what a thriving marriage means to you and your spouse Everyone wants a thriving marriage on their wedding day! But what does that look like? It’s subjective—what feels like “thriving” to one couple may not be to another. I challenge couples to do two things:
Tip 3: Put effort into staying emotionally connected A marriage can’t thrive without emotional connection—also known as intimacy. A fun way to remember this is the phrase: “In-to-me-you-see.” Say it quickly, and it sounds like intimacy. Ask yourselves: What is one thing your spouse does (or could do) that makes you feel emotionally connected to them? Once identified, commit to doing that consistently. Key factors that support emotional connection include:
Tip 4: Keep the passion burning bright Just as emotional intimacy is essential, so is physical intimacy. Two important elements of healthy physical intimacy are:
The second factor is ensuring that your sexual experiences are mutually satisfying. This usually requires more focus for the wife. While many men are content if physical intimacy simply happens, most women need:
Tip 5: Practice effective communication skills Most couples who enter counseling want to “improve communication.” Communication has two components:
Tip 6: Learn to regulate your emotions Couples never argue when they’re happy, calm, and content. Arguments happen when emotions get in the way. That’s when hurtful things get said—things we later regret but can’t take back. This is where grandma’s advice still rings true: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” The problem? Most people were never taught how to regulate their emotions. Unless they take the time to learn or go to counseling, they won’t. Instead, they go on emotional autopilot, which often leads to destructive reactions. So, take the time to learn how to manage your own emotions! Tip 7: Keep your ego in check Ego—or pride—is a major obstacle to connection. Ego is about being “right,” which makes someone else “wrong.” And nobody likes to be wrong. Arguments often stem less from right vs. wrong and more from differences in perception. The key is to worry less about who’s “right” and focus more on understanding each other’s perspective. As many authors have taught: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Genuinely try to understand your spouse’s point of view. Tip 8: Know your and your spouse’s personality Personality plays a huge role in both attraction and conflict. Understanding your own personality—and your spouse’s—can be a powerful tool. Each personality comes with strengths and limitations. At the beginning of the relationship, we’re drawn to the strengths and often overlook the flaws. But over time, couples tend to focus more on each other’s limitations and less on what they once admired. By understanding each other’s natural limitations, you can grow more patient and compassionate. By understanding your own limitations, you can actively work to overcome them. Having a weakness isn’t an excuse to stay stuck—it’s a responsibility to improve. Tip 9: Maintain a 5:1 positive-to-negative interaction ratio Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that healthy marriages have five positive interactions for every one negative. Think of them as deposits and withdrawals in your love account. When a couple has a large savings of positive interactions, the occasional withdrawal (conflict, stress, mistake) doesn’t hurt much. But when the account is overdrawn, even a minor withdrawal feels like a major crisis. Positive interactions can be:
Tip 10: Spend time together Strong marriages require time together. It’s a simple fact: If you don’t spend time with someone, you will grow emotionally and physically disconnected. No matter your love language, quality time matters. Life gets busy—jobs, kids, family, and friends. But thriving couples make time for each other, no matter what. Two essential habits:
Depression and anxiety have increased in the last 25 years, especially after 2010. We know this is strongly correlated to the development and almost exclusive use of the smart phone. Adolescent depression and anxiety have increased the most, but it has also increased for most age groups.
As for the second question, one can find research to affirm that each of these factors contribute and correlate to the increase of depression and anxiety: social media, lack of exercise, poor diet, lack of faith and less church attendance, and working from home. It is important to note that it is “correlational” and not “causal”. Let’s look at each one of these individually.
Social media often leads to comparing your worst with other’s best. This is especially detrimental for adolescent girls more than adolescent boys. Social media platforms also allow friends to see live updates of all their friend’s activities often including their real time locations. If a teen sees their friends are all together, and they were not invited, this effects their self-esteem, thus increasing feelings of sadness and loneliness. Not only does this behavior effect depression and anxiety, it also has a major impact on the health of marriages. It can also lead to addictions including gaming, pornography, and screen time in general. If you are interested in learning more about this topic, I would highly recommend the book iGen: Why Today's Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy--and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood--and What That Means for the Rest of Us Jean M. Twenge PhD 2. Lack of Exercise and poor diet: Both of these factors contribute to the rise in depression and anxiety. Each effects the other to create a vicious loop which looks like the following:
There is plenty of research to prove regular exercise and a healthier diet are effective antidotes to depression and anxiety. The real challenge is, taking a pill takes a lot less effort and time than exercising and preparing healthy meals do. People have to be committed to putting in the effort and spending the time to take care of themselves physically. The following book is a great book explaining the effects exercise has on the brain and mental health: Spark by John J. Ratey 3. Lack of Faith. This one is an interesting factor. The research goes both ways. While there is sufficient research that shows lack of faith can be associate with higher levels of depression and anxiety, being a part of particular faith groups can also be associated with increased depression and anxiety. There are multiple factors that need to be considered on both sides and I am sure an entire book could be written on both subjects. I would break it down into two categories; faith the verb and faith the noun. Faith the verb, I would believe can help reduce depression and anxiety because it provides a sense of meaning and purpose, coping skills, moral framework, hope, and resilience to the challenges of life. Faith the noun, which constitutes a religious group and community can provide a positive social support. All of these can help with depression and anxiety. However, on the other hand, there are ways in which faith can cause or add to one’s depression and anxiety if it induces shame and high levels of guilt. If a specific faith community is rigid, judgmental, and fear based, this clearly will not help depression and anxiety. Faith communities that promote the golden rule, “Do unto others as you have them do unto you” will more than likely foster positive mental health. 4. Working from home Working from home can increase and decrease depression and anxiety. I would say personality plays a key role in what effect this has on an individual. Those who are more introverted by nature will probably have less anxiety and depression working from home, while those who are more extroverted by nature will see an increase of depression and anxiety. In conclusion, each of these issues: screen time, lack of exercise, poor diet, lack of faith, and working from home, each have an influence on depression, anxiety, marriage problems, and addiction. When we put time and effort into our physical, mental, and spiritual health, we will less likely suffer from each of these challenges. Here are some recent statistics on depression and anxiety: Global Rise in Mental Disorders
There are different ideas and lists of what key core human needs are. One of these theories or lists identify “growth” as a fundamental human need. This is the idea that all human beings have a “need” for personal development and continued growth. The challenge is that some people place that need much higher on the list than others do. Some clearly have it on the bottom of the list and it can even seem some have no drive or motivation for personal development or growth. This is most difficult when these are those closest to us, including family and friends.
I find that those who are happiest in life, make it a personal goal and pursuit to always be learning, growing, and becoming the best version of themselves they can be. This personal development can be from a variety of areas such as mental health, physical health, and spiritual development. Trying to figure out how to “coexist” with those that do not share our passion for growth and personal development can be challenging. Those who do not share your interest and passion on your personal development journey may fall into two possible categories. One, they can be somewhat “neutral”, meaning they can let you “do your thing” but not be actively helpful. Nor are they actively trying to discourage you or are being “dream killers”. The second group may actually be very discouraging and criticize your goals and interests to become the best version of yourself. They are “dream killers”. Here are a few things to consider:
II would want each person in the relationship to consider a few important questions before considering divorce as an option.
1. Can you as individuals and as a couple go to sleep at night knowing you have put 100% effort in making the marriage work? This is very important because neither person wants to look back and have any regrets for going forward with a major decision like divorce. You don’t want to say to yourself “What if I …”. You want to be able to tell yourself and each other you did everything you could to heal any hurts and or resentments that may have developed through the years. 2. Can each person in the relationship look in the mirror and see the part they played in how the marriage got to a place where divorce is an option? Rarely are marriage problems one sided. The reality of this answer goes back to question number one. Each person in the relationship needs to be able to identify their own limitations and weaknesses in the marriage and be able to say they have put maximum effort into overcoming and changing those limitations and weaknesses. It is easy to blame or focus on the other’s weaknesses and limitations but it is a lot more difficult to look in the mirror at our own limitations and weaknesses. 3. Is the decision for possible divorce being made emotionally or is it a decision that has been thought through and one or both can say it is the best decision under the circumstances? When decisions are made emotionally, this can lead to regrets and “What if’s”. The reality is that most divorces are made by one and rarely by both. Someone will most often not want it and will be more hurt by the divorce. The one making the final decision, should be making it intentionally and thoughtfully and not emotionally. 4. Are there any unresolved hurts or resentments in the relationship? If divorce is being considered there usually are a lot of hurt feelings and resentments due to chronic challenges or major trust breaking events. If these have not been worked through, this can also cause some regrets and “What if’s” down the road. Working through and healing these hurts and resentments does not mean staying together is always best, but divorce rarely, if ever, magically makes these hurts and resentments go away. So, wether divorce is right or not, making sure these are worked through are very important. If they are not, those feelings will probably find their way into future relationships. 5. Finally, have they found a therapist that they both trust to help them navigate this decision? I tell most people in this situation if divorce is right today, it will be right in 6 months or a year form now. I challenge people to put the effort in for one year and see where they are at that time. They key here is “effort”. Both will reevaluate every 3 months or so to see if they are at a better place than before. A good counselor that they feel is a good fit can provide them with the skills and tools to heal their relationship if they put in the effort to practice those skills both as individuals and as a couple. In the last post, I mentioned "distorted thinking patterns" as way we "react" to life rather than "respond". So I thought it would be good to share a list of common distorted thinking patterns. If you google "distorted thinking patterns" you will get articles that outline a wide range of distorted thinking patterns. They can range from 10-50! If you want to check out all of them, go ahead and google it. I would like to highlight common ones that I see come up with people on a regular basis as I work with them in the office.
1. Taking things personally: When we take things personally, we tend to think that people's intentions are to attack us. The attack we perceive from others is often a reflection of our own view of ourself. 2. Assume: We all know what happens when we assume! Also, more often than not, our assumptions are either wrong or partly wrong. Try to get all the facts before any judgment is made. 3. Catastrophize: We catastrophize when we believe and expect the worst is going to happen with out a plan to cope with it. It can be healthy to plan for how we may deal with something going poorly, but to expect it will happen without a plan is toxic! 4. Blame: Blaming others or circumstances for our emotions or misfortunes will probably only create resentment and bitterness. When we spend our energy on blaming others we miss the opportunity to take responsibility for our life and place ourselves at the mercy of others and life. 5. Black and whit/ All or nothing: This is "my way or the highway" thinking! When we are in this mindset, we can't see alternatives, we can't compromise and it is difficult to understand others or have empathy for others. We don't know what gray looks like. And yes, there is gray! :) 6. Should's, Ought's, and Must's: There is a saying, "Don't should on yourself!" Or on others for that matter. If we use these silently in our own minds, we will probably start to feel resentment toward someone. If we use them when talking to someone, they will probably become defensive. Either way, they cause havoc! 7. Absolutes: These are words like always, never, constantly, etc. These words, like should's, create defensiveness. And they are rarely true. Try using words like often, frequently, sometimes. These are just some of the most common ones I see used most often by people. There are many others. When you have some time, google "distorted thinking patterns." Identify which ones you tend use the most and start working on challenging them and think differently. The more you are able to limit these in your mind and vocabulary, you will feel better and connect better with others! One of the main lessons I have learned from COVID-19 is how people have "Reacted" vs "Responded" to this crisis. In this post I want to explain the difference and encourage you to apply the healthy option not only to the current stressor of COVID-19 but to all other stressors that come up throughout life. This could be how we respond to a spouse or child, whether or not we give into a trigger for an addiction, deal with anger and so on.
Reacting
Responding
Do you "react" to situations or do you "respond"? What would others say about you? As I said above, going through this COVID-19 craziness, we are seeing a lot of reacting, hence we can't buy toilet paper unless we get in line at Costco at 4AM! People have clearly acted on the emotions of fear, uncertainty and stress. They have primarily been "me" focused, not thinking about the next person that may need those supplies or food. If society as a whole would have "responded" more, we would be in a little different situation. Obviously many good people have "responded" very well and very generously in this crazy time as well, and to them I am grateful! People are good!! I really like the following tool to help us Respond instead of React. STOP: The One Minute Breathing Space Share your thoughts and share this with someone that you think could benefit from it:) Make it a great day and make it a great week! I have been a therapist for over over 15 years and have read a lot of self-help books and consider myself to be somewhat of a self-help book junkie. VERY FEW self-help books do I agree with cover to cover but most I am able to glean at lest a few applicable nuggets that will enrich my life. Many of them have quite a bit of good information that can be applied to our lives and struggles that will give us effective tools and skills to do better and be better.
I am sure if you are reading this, then you have probably read your fair share of self-help books too! I don't know about you, but for me there is one thing that regualry frustrates me with a lot of self-help books. They are way too wordy! The useful information they provide could probably be said in a third of the pages. There is a lot of repetition and unnecessary stories. I know many people like stories, but there is a limit! So, this blog will provide lists, diagrams and brief explanations of the most important parts of self-help books and my own experiences as a therapist. I hope this blog serves as a quick reference guide for you to turn to to remind yourself what needs to be done to accomplish a specific goal, whether it be improving a relationship, parenting, overcoming an addiction, or coping with feelings such as depression, anxiety, anger, grief, stress and other intense emotions. Please feel free to comment your thoughts on the post and offer any thoughts on how it may have helped you. I hope this helps and gives you hope that you can change and you can do better and be better! |
AuthorGarron Griffitts, LCSW Archives
August 2025
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