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This can easily be answered with three words - Change your story! What do I mean by change your story? It may be a little more complicated that just changing your story, but maybe not. When we look at emotion regulation we usually want to change our emotion and our behavior, or reactions to our emotions. Just how do we do that?
Let’s start with what’s causing the emotion in the first place. With this question, it’s clearly other drivers on the road and what these drivers do or do not do while driving. Maybe they cut us off, drive too slow, or too fast, run red lights or stop signs, almost hit us, and the list can go on and on! I use driving as an example for emotion regulation very often because it is such a universal human experience that most people can relate to it in one way or another! I would say anybody who drives has had an emotional reaction to other drivers, whether that is being a little annoyed or having full blown road rage. Most people probably fall somewhere in the middle. If the other drivers was the cause of our emotions, we all would have the same emotional reactions. Clearly that is not the case. The fact the not everybody has the same emotional and behavioral responses to other driver’s shortcomings, teaches us something different is going on with those who get annoyed vs those who rage, or more commonly get angry and may utter a not so nice statement, either in their mind or out loud. What is different between these drivers and their reactions? Simply but, they have different stories. Said another way, their perceptions and thoughts about “why” the other driver did what they did, is different. Following are some examples of different stories or perceptions and the possible emotions attached to them: Story and Emotion I can’t believe they did that! What a jerk! They don’t care about anybody else on the road. Anger What an &%$@ hole! THey could have killed me or someone else! Anger Wow, that was careless! They need to learn how to drive. Frustrated Rude! Annoyed They sure are in a hurry, hope everything is ok! Worry, Concern I bet they are on their phone (or you see they are on their phone)! Anger, frustration We allow our stories and our reactions to become very habitual. We are kind of on “autopilot” with our thoughts, feelings, and actions. When we get off “autopilot” and become very aware and mindful of our story and challenge the story, we can become very in control of our emotions. This is definitely easier said than done! Practice makes better. The good news is, you will have plenty of opportunity to practice being aware of your story and not just when driving. This concept is true in all situations that create strong emotions. Nine times out of ten, when our emotions get to the level of anger, it usually is because our story is off. What if our story is “right”? Maybe they are a jerk or an &%#@hole? The reality is, we really do not know. I had an “aha” moment while driving that changed me getting angry at other drivers (for the vast majority of the time:). I was guilty of turning in front of someone and almost causing an accident. The person honked and gave me the universal hand jester of them being upset with me. I assume they had some not so nice thoughts about me. I had some interesting thoughts in that moment. I thought, if they really knew me, they would know I’m not a jerk or an &%#@hole. They would know I made an honest mistake of inattention and would not have waved to me with their middle finger. They would know I’m a nice guy! In that moment, I realized that I had done, at some time or another, most, if not all, the things I have got upset at toward other drivers. I know I’m not a bad guy or even a bad driver, most of the time. So, maybe they are not either. Maybe they just “made a mistake” like me? So, now I try to give others the benefit of the doubt whether I’m driving or in any other of life circumstances. I am definitely not perfect at this. Sometimes, I too get on “autopilot” and react in an unhealthy way. Luckily, life gives me opportunities every day to be mindful of my story and keep my emotions and behavior in check! So how do you control your emotions while driving? Change your story!
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Approaching a loved one about concerns regarding their either obvious or suspected problem with an addiction can be challenging to say the least. How is this to be done effectively? So much will depend on where they are at with acknowledging their problem. As a loved one, I believe it is important to have a basic idea of the Stages of Change people tend to go through when they change any behavior, including an addiction. This concept comes from decades of research by a group of people who wanted to understand how people change successfully. I highly recommend the book, “Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively” Forward by James O. Prochaska, John Norcross, Carlo DiClemente.
I believe it is important to understand these stages because it will determine how a loved one and even an informed counselor will approach the situation. Each stage has specific ways to help. Following is a brief explanation of the stages of change. When it comes to addiction, I only go over the first 5 stages of change. Stage 1: Precontemplation This is what I call the proverbial “denial” stage. People in this stage are not even thinking about changing their behavior. When their behavior is brought up, they often get defensive and deny that their behavior causes any problems in their life. Stage 2: Contemplation When someone is in this stage of change, they are thinking about changing their behavior. They may not know when or how but they know their behavior is a problem and they are considering making a change. When others bring up their behavior, they are much more likely to listen and not get defensive. Stage 3: Preparation This is the “planning” stage of change. They are staring to do their homework and look for the best ways to go about stopping their behavior. Do they need professional help? What level of professional help to they need? This could be residential treatment, like a rehab center. This is where they will go and live for thirty plus days. They could join an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) or work with an individual therapist. These are the professional options. The non professional options is a support group such as AA or other Anonymous groups, Celebrate Recovery (faith based), or SMART Recovery (cognitive approach). Or, they could just decide to do it on their own without any professional or support group help. While they are in the preparation stage of change, they are also deciding the when they will implement the course of action they choose. This is usually within a short period of time. Stage 4: Action This is what I call the “Nike” stage of change. This is when they “just do it”. They put into action their plan. They go to treatment or a support group. They stick to the date they chose to stop and do it. This does not mean their will not be slips or relapses, but if they stay in action, they get back on track and continue their plan of stopping. Stage 5: Maintenance Maintenance is the stage I refer to as “recovery”. This is where they have been successful with their sobriety for a period of time and are maintaining it consistently. If someone will not admit they have a problem, then they obviously are in the Precontemplation stage of change. We cannot expect them to be in any other stage until they choose to get there. So how can you help in this situation? The authors of The Stages of Change teach that the best way to help someone in Precontemplation is to raise their awareness of the problems their behavior may be creating in their life. However, this does take some finesse from my experience. I have found that approaching the situation from a place of love, concern, and curiosity will give you the best chance for them to respond positively. It’s not a guarantee, it will just give you the best chance. Possible ways to to start the conversation:
Another good book is Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, and Emily Gregory. This book goes into great detail on how to have difficult conversations with others. Here are for steps they outline when addressing difficult topics: 1. See and Hear: Start by addressing the facts of what you have seen and heard. Do not talk about what you think is going on or what you assume is going on. Only state the facts. These are things that they could not refute, at least logically. 2. Story: Share what thoughts you are having about the situation. Your thoughts may or may not align with their thoughts and that is ok. This is where you can share your perceptions about the situation, right or wrong. 3. Feel: Based on the facts and your story (or thoughts and perceptions about the facts), what feelings do you have. Examples may be worried, concerned, afraid etc. 4. Act: What are you requesting they do? Or do you have specific boundaries that need to be set based on the behavior you have seen? You might say something like, “Have you considered talking to a professional?” Or “Would you be willing to talk to someone and get a professional opinion?” Obviously, there is not a guarantee that this will work. Especially, if they are deep in the Precontemplation stage of change. What is being done, is they know you care and are concerned about them and you may be planting a seed for them to consider that they may have a problem and they will move themself from Precontemplation to Contemplation, thus on the way to changing their behavior! |
AuthorGarron Griffitts, LCSW Archives
August 2025
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