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Here my top ten tips to making sure your marriage is as strong in 20 years as it was the day you got married.
Tip 1: Never stop putting in the effort Thriving marriages take consistent effort over the duration of the relationship. When a couple first meets, they willingly put in maximum effort to get the other to fall in love with them. Each person does what they need to do to ensure the relationship progresses in the direction they want. Thriving marriages are skill-based, not just love-based. The problem is that too many couples rely solely on the fact that they love each other and don’t put in the effort and energy to learn how to stay in love. When the butterflies fly away, they need the skills and tools to keep the love strong. They need to do love (the verb), not just rely on love (the feeling). People tend to put a lot of effort into learning the skills for their career. They’ll attend seminars, trainings, workshops, and earn multiple certifications to be the best at their craft. People will also invest a lot of time and effort in learning their hobby—whether it’s golf, hunting, gaming, cooking, gardening, etc.If people put as much energy, time, and money into learning how to be the best spouse they could be, we would have far fewer divorces. Tip 2: Know what a thriving marriage means to you and your spouse Everyone wants a thriving marriage on their wedding day! But what does that look like? It’s subjective—what feels like “thriving” to one couple may not be to another. I challenge couples to do two things:
Tip 3: Put effort into staying emotionally connected A marriage can’t thrive without emotional connection—also known as intimacy. A fun way to remember this is the phrase: “In-to-me-you-see.” Say it quickly, and it sounds like intimacy. Ask yourselves: What is one thing your spouse does (or could do) that makes you feel emotionally connected to them? Once identified, commit to doing that consistently. Key factors that support emotional connection include:
Tip 4: Keep the passion burning bright Just as emotional intimacy is essential, so is physical intimacy. Two important elements of healthy physical intimacy are:
The second factor is ensuring that your sexual experiences are mutually satisfying. This usually requires more focus for the wife. While many men are content if physical intimacy simply happens, most women need:
Tip 5: Practice effective communication skills Most couples who enter counseling want to “improve communication.” Communication has two components:
Tip 6: Learn to regulate your emotions Couples never argue when they’re happy, calm, and content. Arguments happen when emotions get in the way. That’s when hurtful things get said—things we later regret but can’t take back. This is where grandma’s advice still rings true: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” The problem? Most people were never taught how to regulate their emotions. Unless they take the time to learn or go to counseling, they won’t. Instead, they go on emotional autopilot, which often leads to destructive reactions. So, take the time to learn how to manage your own emotions! Tip 7: Keep your ego in check Ego—or pride—is a major obstacle to connection. Ego is about being “right,” which makes someone else “wrong.” And nobody likes to be wrong. Arguments often stem less from right vs. wrong and more from differences in perception. The key is to worry less about who’s “right” and focus more on understanding each other’s perspective. As many authors have taught: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Genuinely try to understand your spouse’s point of view. Tip 8: Know your and your spouse’s personality Personality plays a huge role in both attraction and conflict. Understanding your own personality—and your spouse’s—can be a powerful tool. Each personality comes with strengths and limitations. At the beginning of the relationship, we’re drawn to the strengths and often overlook the flaws. But over time, couples tend to focus more on each other’s limitations and less on what they once admired. By understanding each other’s natural limitations, you can grow more patient and compassionate. By understanding your own limitations, you can actively work to overcome them. Having a weakness isn’t an excuse to stay stuck—it’s a responsibility to improve. Tip 9: Maintain a 5:1 positive-to-negative interaction ratio Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that healthy marriages have five positive interactions for every one negative. Think of them as deposits and withdrawals in your love account. When a couple has a large savings of positive interactions, the occasional withdrawal (conflict, stress, mistake) doesn’t hurt much. But when the account is overdrawn, even a minor withdrawal feels like a major crisis. Positive interactions can be:
Tip 10: Spend time together Strong marriages require time together. It’s a simple fact: If you don’t spend time with someone, you will grow emotionally and physically disconnected. No matter your love language, quality time matters. Life gets busy—jobs, kids, family, and friends. But thriving couples make time for each other, no matter what. Two essential habits:
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Depression and anxiety have increased in the last 25 years, especially after 2010. We know this is strongly correlated to the development and almost exclusive use of the smart phone. Adolescent depression and anxiety have increased the most, but it has also increased for most age groups.
As for the second question, one can find research to affirm that each of these factors contribute and correlate to the increase of depression and anxiety: social media, lack of exercise, poor diet, lack of faith and less church attendance, and working from home. It is important to note that it is “correlational” and not “causal”. Let’s look at each one of these individually.
Social media often leads to comparing your worst with other’s best. This is especially detrimental for adolescent girls more than adolescent boys. Social media platforms also allow friends to see live updates of all their friend’s activities often including their real time locations. If a teen sees their friends are all together, and they were not invited, this effects their self-esteem, thus increasing feelings of sadness and loneliness. Not only does this behavior effect depression and anxiety, it also has a major impact on the health of marriages. It can also lead to addictions including gaming, pornography, and screen time in general. If you are interested in learning more about this topic, I would highly recommend the book iGen: Why Today's Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy--and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood--and What That Means for the Rest of Us Jean M. Twenge PhD 2. Lack of Exercise and poor diet: Both of these factors contribute to the rise in depression and anxiety. Each effects the other to create a vicious loop which looks like the following:
There is plenty of research to prove regular exercise and a healthier diet are effective antidotes to depression and anxiety. The real challenge is, taking a pill takes a lot less effort and time than exercising and preparing healthy meals do. People have to be committed to putting in the effort and spending the time to take care of themselves physically. The following book is a great book explaining the effects exercise has on the brain and mental health: Spark by John J. Ratey 3. Lack of Faith. This one is an interesting factor. The research goes both ways. While there is sufficient research that shows lack of faith can be associate with higher levels of depression and anxiety, being a part of particular faith groups can also be associated with increased depression and anxiety. There are multiple factors that need to be considered on both sides and I am sure an entire book could be written on both subjects. I would break it down into two categories; faith the verb and faith the noun. Faith the verb, I would believe can help reduce depression and anxiety because it provides a sense of meaning and purpose, coping skills, moral framework, hope, and resilience to the challenges of life. Faith the noun, which constitutes a religious group and community can provide a positive social support. All of these can help with depression and anxiety. However, on the other hand, there are ways in which faith can cause or add to one’s depression and anxiety if it induces shame and high levels of guilt. If a specific faith community is rigid, judgmental, and fear based, this clearly will not help depression and anxiety. Faith communities that promote the golden rule, “Do unto others as you have them do unto you” will more than likely foster positive mental health. 4. Working from home Working from home can increase and decrease depression and anxiety. I would say personality plays a key role in what effect this has on an individual. Those who are more introverted by nature will probably have less anxiety and depression working from home, while those who are more extroverted by nature will see an increase of depression and anxiety. In conclusion, each of these issues: screen time, lack of exercise, poor diet, lack of faith, and working from home, each have an influence on depression, anxiety, marriage problems, and addiction. When we put time and effort into our physical, mental, and spiritual health, we will less likely suffer from each of these challenges. Here are some recent statistics on depression and anxiety: Global Rise in Mental Disorders
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AuthorGarron Griffitts, LCSW Archives
August 2025
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