10 Tips for a successful marriage

Here my top ten tips to making sure your marriage is as strong in 20 years as it was the day you got married.

Tip 1: Never stop putting in the effort
Thriving marriages take consistent effort over the duration of the relationship. When a couple first meets, they willingly put in maximum effort to get the other to fall in love with them. Each person does what they need to do to ensure the relationship progresses in the direction they want. Thriving marriages are skill-based, not just love-based. The problem is that too many couples rely solely on the fact that they love each other and don’t put in the effort and energy to learn how to stay in love. When the butterflies fly away, they need the skills and tools to keep the love strong. They need to do love (the verb), not just rely on love (the feeling).
People tend to put a lot of effort into learning the skills for their career. They’ll attend seminars, trainings, workshops, and earn multiple certifications to be the best at their craft. People will also invest a lot of time and effort in learning their hobby—whether it’s golf, hunting, gaming, cooking, gardening, etc.If people put as much energy, time, and money into learning how to be the best spouse they could be, we would have far fewer divorces.

Tip 2: Know what a thriving marriage means to you and your spouse
Everyone wants a thriving marriage on their wedding day! But what does that look like? It’s subjective—what feels like “thriving” to one couple may not be to another. I challenge couples to do two things:

1. Identify couples in your circle who you’d say are “thriving” and have been married for over five years. This is likely a small number compared to how many couples you know. For those you’re comfortable with, interview them. Let them know you admire their marriage and ask what they believe contributes to its success. You’ll get some great ideas!
2. Sit down together and write out what a thriving marriage means to each of you individually—and as a couple.

The rest of these tips are my thoughts on what it takes to have a thriving marriage.

Tip 3: Put effort into staying emotionally connected
A marriage can’t thrive without emotional connection—also known as intimacy. A fun way to remember this is the phrase: “In-to-me-you-see.” Say it quickly, and it sounds like intimacy.  Ask yourselves: What is one thing your spouse does (or could do) that makes you feel emotionally connected to them? Once identified, commit to doing that consistently.
Key factors that support emotional connection include:

• Trust – Define what trust means to each of you
• Respect
• Love – Know each other’s love language
• Deep sharing
• Emotional safety
• Kindness
• Shared leisure activities (that both enjoy equally)

When both partners feel strong in these areas, they’re well on their way to a thriving marriage. It’s important to note that wives generally want and need more emotional connection. While husbands need it too, they tend to be more content with less. I encourage husbands to put in extra effort to help their wives feel emotionally connected. Women often invest in this area more naturally.

Tip 4: Keep the passion burning bright
Just as emotional intimacy is essential, so is physical intimacy. Two important elements of healthy physical intimacy are:

• Attraction
• A mutually satisfying sexual relationship

Both partners should put effort into staying physically attractive to each other. This was likely a factor that brought you together in the first place. Just because you’ve exchanged rings doesn’t give you a license to “let yourself go.” Yes, bodies change over time—but that doesn’t remove the responsibility to stay in the best shape you can.
The second factor is ensuring that your sexual experiences are mutually satisfying.
This usually requires more focus for the wife. While many men are content if physical intimacy simply happens, most women need:

• Emotional connection
• Feeling desired and appreciated
• Communication and attentiveness

Men may not feel emotionally connected and still want sex. Women, however, often need emotional connection to want sex at all—let alone enjoy it. So again, this ties back to Tip 3: When emotional connection is strong, physical intimacy tends to follow naturally.

Tip 5: Practice effective communication skills
Most couples who enter counseling want to “improve communication.” Communication has two components:

• The presenter
• The receiver

Each has specific skills they must learn.Three major barriers to effective communication are:

• Poor emotional regulation
• Different perceptions
• Ego

It takes effort and skill to have difficult conversations without one partner attacking and the other becoming defensive.

Tip 6: Learn to regulate your emotions
Couples never argue when they’re happy, calm, and content. Arguments happen when emotions get in the way. That’s when hurtful things get said—things we later regret but can’t take back. This is where grandma’s advice still rings true: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
The problem? Most people were never taught how to regulate their emotions. Unless they take the time to learn or go to counseling, they won’t. Instead, they go on emotional autopilot, which often leads to destructive reactions. So, take the time to learn how to manage your own emotions!

Tip 7: Keep your ego in check
Ego—or pride—is a major obstacle to connection. Ego is about being “right,” which makes someone else “wrong.” And nobody likes to be wrong. Arguments often stem less from right vs. wrong and more from differences in perception. The key is to worry less about who’s “right” and focus more on understanding each other’s perspective. As many authors have taught: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Genuinely try to understand your spouse’s point of view.

Tip 8: Know your and your spouse’s personality
Personality plays a huge role in both attraction and conflict. Understanding your own personality—and your spouse’s—can be a powerful tool. Each personality comes with strengths and limitations. At the beginning of the relationship, we’re drawn to the strengths and often overlook the flaws. But over time, couples tend to focus more on each other’s limitations and less on what they once admired.
By understanding each other’s natural limitations, you can grow more patient and compassionate. By understanding your own limitations, you can actively work to overcome them. Having a weakness isn’t an excuse to stay stuck—it’s a responsibility to improve.

Tip 9: Maintain a 5:1 positive-to-negative interaction ratio
Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that healthy marriages have five positive interactions for every one negative. Think of them as deposits and withdrawals in your love account. When a couple has a large savings of positive interactions, the occasional withdrawal (conflict, stress, mistake) doesn’t hurt much. But when the account is overdrawn, even a minor withdrawal feels like a major crisis.
Positive interactions can be:

• Kind words or gestures
• Acts of service
• Affection
• Speaking your spouse’s love language
• Simply being kind

Keep your love account full.

Tip 10: Spend time together
Strong marriages require time together. It’s a simple fact: If you don’t spend time with someone, you will grow emotionally and physically disconnected. No matter your love language, quality time matters. Life gets busy—jobs, kids, family, and friends. But thriving couples make time for each other, no matter what.
Two essential habits:

• Weekly dates
• Yearly getaways

These don’t have to be extravagant—just consistent. With some creativity, planning, and budgeting, any couple can make this work. For couples with kids: these times should be just the two of you 99% of the time. Family activities are important, but they’re a different category.n Children need to see their parents prioritize their marriage. It’s good for the kids, and it’s good for you!

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