<![CDATA[REACH GREATER HEIGHTS - Blog]]>Wed, 18 Mar 2026 14:04:19 -0700EditMySite<![CDATA[Emotion Regulation Skill #3: How Thoughts Influence Emotions]]>Tue, 17 Mar 2026 20:20:17 GMThttps://www.reachgreaterheights.com/blog/emotion-regulation-skill-3-how-thoughts-influence-emotionsIn my experience, this is one of the most important and effective emotion regulation skills you can learn.

In previous posts, we’ve talked about expanding your emotional vocabulary and learning to respond instead of react. Both are powerful tools. However, this skill goes deeper—it helps you understand where emotions actually come from and how to better manage them.
If you can master this, you move from being controlled by your emotions to being in control of them.

Where Do Emotions Really Come From?

Let me ask you a simple question:

What makes you angry? Depressed? Anxious?

Most people answer by pointing to situations or other people’s behavior. While that seems true on the surface, it creates a major problem. If our emotions are entirely dependent on things outside of our control, then we are constantly at the mercy of our environment.

In that case, we become what I call:

“A puppet in the game of life.”
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Because we cannot control other people or many of the situations we encounter, relying on them as the sole cause of our emotions leaves us feeling stuck and powerless.

The Missing Link: Your Thoughts

Although situations do influence how we feel, they are not the primary driver of emotional intensity.

The key factor is this:

Your thoughts and perceptions about the situation.

In other words, it’s not just what happens—it’s the story you tell yourself about what happened.

Two people can experience the exact same situation and walk away with completely different emotions. One may feel angry, while the other feels understanding or indifferent. The difference lies in how each person interprets the situation.

What Shapes the Story in Your Head?

The stories we tell ourselves don’t come out of nowhere. They are shaped by a combination of thinking patterns and personal influences.

1. Distorted Thinking Patterns

We all have habitual ways of thinking that can distort reality, especially when we’re stressed or emotional. These are often referred to as cognitive distortions.

They are:
  • Automatic
  • Familiar
  • Convincing

But they are not always accurate.

Common examples include assuming the worst, mind reading, or believing something “always” or “never” happens.

2. Differences in Perception

In addition to thinking patterns, our personal background shapes how we interpret situations. Four key influences include:

  • Personality
  • Gender
  • Life experiences or trauma
  • Values and beliefs

These factors create a unique lens through which each of us views the world. Because of this, no two people see a situation exactly the same way.
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Why This Matters

Understanding the role of your thoughts gives you a powerful advantage.

The goal is not to eliminate emotions or pretend they don’t exist. Instead, the goal is to reduce the intensity of those emotions so you can respond more effectively.

For example, rather than trying to go from anger to happiness, a more realistic and helpful shift might look like:

  • Angry → Frustrated
  • Frustrated → Irritated
  • Irritated → Calm

That shift may seem small, but it makes a big difference. It’s much easier to manage frustration than it is to manage rage.

How to Apply This in Real Life

This skill becomes powerful when you practice it intentionally. The next time you feel a strong emotion, walk through the following steps:

  • 1. Pause and identify the situation
  • 2. Notice the story you’re telling yourself
  • 3. Ask: “Is this thought completely accurate?”
  • 4. Identify any distorted thinking patterns
  • 5. Consider how your personality, experiences, or beliefs may be influencing your perception
  • 6. Replace the thought with a more balanced and realistic perspective

  • This doesn’t mean ignoring reality or forcing positivity. It simply means choosing a perspective that is more accurate and helpful.

  • Key Takeaways

  • Emotions are not just caused by situations—they are shaped by your thoughts about those situations

  • You cannot control everything around you, but you can influence how you interpret it

  • Cognitive distortions are common and can intensify emotions unnecessarily

  • Your perspective is influenced by personality, experiences, and beliefs

  • Small shifts in thinking can significantly reduce emotional intensity

  • The goal is not to eliminate emotions, but to make them more manageable

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

1. Are emotions caused by thoughts or situations?

Both play a role, but thoughts determine the intensity of emotions. The same situation can produce very different emotions depending on how it’s interpreted.

2. What are cognitive distortions?

They are inaccurate thinking patterns that feel true but distort reality—often leading to stronger negative emotions.

3. Can I really control my emotions by changing my thoughts?

You may not control emotions instantly, but you can influence and reduce their intensity by changing how you think about a situation.

4. Why do different people react differently to the same situation?

Because of differences in:
  • Personality
  • Past experiences
  • Values and beliefs

These shape how each person interprets events.

5. What’s the goal of emotion regulation?

Not to eliminate emotions—but to:

  • Reduce intensity
  • Respond more effectively
  • Stay in control of your behavior

Final Thought

You may not always control what happens to you.
But you have far more control than you think over how you interpret it.

And that interpretation shapes your emotional experience.

When you learn to adjust the story in your mind, you begin to change how you feel—and ultimately, how you respond.
]]><![CDATA[Emotion Regulation Skill #2: Learning to Respond Instead of React]]>Wed, 11 Mar 2026 23:43:11 GMThttps://www.reachgreaterheights.com/blog/emotion-regulation-skill-2-learning-to-respond-instead-of-reactHave you ever asked yourself, “Why did I just do that?” or “Why did I just say that?”

Part of regulating our emotions is learning to control our behavior when emotions become elevated. In this article, you will learn a simple acronym that can help you regulate the behavior that often follows intense emotions.

These questions arise because it is so easy to react to situations in our lives or to what we are feeling in the moment. We often say or do things without thinking. This is what I call being on “autopilot.”

Although it may seem like we are reacting to a situation or circumstance, in many cases we are actually reacting to what we are feeling in that moment.

In the previous post, I discussed the skill of increasing our emotional vocabulary as a way to regulate emotions. In this post, we will explore another important skill: learning the difference between reacting and responding.

What Is the Difference Between Reacting and Responding?

Reacting happens when we behave impulsively, habitually, and without thinking. These reactions are often what we call “knee-jerk” behaviors. They are patterns of behavior we have repeated many times throughout our lives in similar situations and are typically driven by emotion.

Our behavior can look very different depending on how we feel. For example, if we feel angry in a situation, we may respond harshly or defensively. If we feel happy, we may respond with kindness or enthusiasm.

When we react impulsively, we often end up regretting our actions later.

Responding, on the other hand, is an intentional and thoughtful behavior in response to a situation or emotion. Instead of acting automatically, we take a moment to think about how we want to behave.

The good news is that responding can become a habit when we practice it consistently over time.

How Can We Learn to Respond Instead of React?

Learning to respond rather than react takes intentional effort and practice. One helpful tool is the acronym PAVE, which provides a simple process for managing emotional reactions.

P — Pause
Challenge yourself to pause before saying or doing the first thing that comes to mind. Even pausing for 30 seconds can give your brain enough time to shift from reacting emotionally to responding thoughtfully.

A — Ask
Ask yourself:

“How could I respond in this situation instead of react?”

This question allows your brain to search for healthier ways to behave in a difficult moment.
It can be helpful to create a list of possible responses ahead of time for situations that commonly trigger strong emotions. That way, when you ask the question, you already have several constructive responses to choose from.

V — Visualize
Visualization is a powerful tool used in many areas of life, including athletics, performance, and personal development.

Once you have a list of healthier responses, visualize yourself successfully carrying them out. Research and experience suggest that the brain often processes imagined behaviors similarly to real ones, which is why visualization is commonly practiced by athletes and performers.

E — Execute
Creating new habits takes repetition. By consistently pausing, asking, and visualizing, you begin to create new mental pathways that make responding easier over time.
When practiced consistently, you begin to “PAVE” new neural pathways that help you respond intentionally rather than react impulsively.

Challenge: Practice the PAVE Skill

Think of a situation where you would like to change how you typically behave.

Apply the PAVE method:
  1. Pause before responding.
  2. Ask: “How could I respond in this situation instead of react?” And create a list of healthier responses.
  3. Visualize yourself successfully responding in those ways.
  4. Execute the new response the next time the situation arises.

With consistent practice, you will develop greater control over your emotions and behaviors.

Key Takeaways
  • Emotional regulation involves managing how we behave when emotions are strong.

  • Most impulsivive behaviors happen when we react emotionally instead of responding thoughtfully.

  • Reacting is typically automatic, habitual, and emotionally driven.

  • Responding is intentional, thoughtful, and controlled.

  • The PAVE method (Pause, Ask, Visualize, Execute) provides a simple framework for responding instead of reacting.

  • Consistent practice can help create new habits and healthier emotional responses.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

What does it mean to regulate your emotions?

Emotion regulation is the ability to understand, manage, and respond to emotions in a healthy way rather than allowing them to control your behavior.

Why do people react emotionally instead of responding thoughtfully?

Emotional reactions often happen because our brains are wired to respond quickly to perceived threats or stress. Without intentional effort, we rely on habitual emotional patterns developed over time.

How long does it take to learn to respond instead of react?

Changing emotional habits takes practice and consistency. Many people begin noticing improvement within a few weeks of intentional practice, though lasting change develops over time.

Does pausing really help regulate emotions?

Yes. Even a brief pause allows the brain’s thinking center (prefrontal cortex) to engage, helping us make more thoughtful decisions instead of acting purely on emotion.

Can visualization really change behavior?

Visualization can strengthen neural pathways associated with certain behaviors. Athletes, performers, and therapists often use visualization to help people mentally rehearse healthier responses before real situations occur.
​​]]><![CDATA[Why Expanding Your Emotional Vocabulary Improves Emotional Regulation]]>Thu, 05 Mar 2026 02:38:08 GMThttps://www.reachgreaterheights.com/blog/why-expanding-your-emotional-vocabulary-improves-emotional-regulationEmotions are at the root of many of the challenges people face in life and are often the reason people seek counseling. However, emotions themselves are usually not the problem. The real challenge is often our difficulty understanding and regulating those emotions.
One of the most effective emotional regulation skills is expanding your emotional vocabulary.
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Every emotion serves a purpose when it occurs in the right situation and at the right intensity. The difficulty is that many people were never taught how to understand what they are feeling or how to regulate those emotions effectively.

Learning to accurately identify and describe emotions is one of the simplest ways to begin improving emotional awareness and emotional regulation.

The “Big 3” Emotions That Bring People Into Counseling

In my work with clients, I often refer to what I call the “Big 3” emotions:
  • Depression
  • Anger
  • Anxiety
I refer to these as the Big 3 because they are the emotions most frequently associated with the struggles that bring people into counseling.

The challenge is that these emotional categories are extremely broad.

Each of them exists on a spectrum of emotional intensity, ranging from mild emotions on one end to very intense emotions on the other.

For example, the anger spectrum might look like this:

Annoyed → Irritated → Frustrated → Angry → Rage

The same concept applies to anxiety and depression. Each includes many emotions that exist between mild and intense experiences.

Why Using Broad Emotion Labels Can Increase Emotional Intensity

Our brains tend to respond strongly to the labels we give our experiences.

When someone repeatedly tells themselves:

“I’m anxious.”

Their mind and body may begin responding as if they are experiencing the highest intensity of anxiety, even if their actual experience might be closer to feeling worried or concerned.

The same can happen with anger or depression.

Using these broad emotional labels can unintentionally increase the intensity of what we feel.

Because of this, I often challenge clients to avoid using the Big 3 when describing their emotional state.

A Simple Question That Can Lower Emotional Intensity
​
A helpful emotional awareness exercise begins with asking a simple question:

“If I could not use the words anger, depression, or anxiety to describe how I feel right now, what would be the next most accurate emotion word?”

When clients ask themselves this question, they often shift from saying they feel “anxious” to identifying emotions such as:

  • Worried
  • Concerned
  • Nervous
  • Stressed
  • ​
These emotions exist on the lower intensity end of the anxiety spectrum and are usually much easier to cope with.

Most people find it much easier to manage feeling worried or nervous than feeling “anxious.”

​What Is Emotional Vocabulary?  

Emotional vocabulary refers to the number of words a person has available to accurately describe their emotional experiences.
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The larger a person’s emotional vocabulary, the easier it becomes to:

  • understand what they are feeling
  • communicate emotions clearly
  • regulate emotional responses

Research in emotional intelligence suggests that people who can accurately label their emotions tend to regulate them more effectively.

In other words, the more precise the word you use to describe your emotional experience, the more manageable that emotion often becomes.

Expanding Your Emotional Vocabulary

When people increase their emotional vocabulary, several important things happen:

They gain greater emotional awareness, emotional experiences become less overwhelming, and it becomes easier to respond thoughtfully and intentionally rather than react impulsively.

Developing emotional awareness also supports other important emotional skills, such as learning the difference between responding and reacting in difficult situations.

If you would like to learn more about that skill, you can read my related article on
Responding vs Reacting and How to Pause Before Acting.

Over time, expanding your emotional vocabulary can significantly improve your ability to regulate emotions and respond effectively to life’s challenges.

A Simple Challenge to Practice This Skill

Here is a simple exercise you can try this week.

When you notice yourself saying you feel angry, anxious, or depressed, pause and ask yourself:

“What is the next most accurate word for how I am feeling?”

Instead of using the Big 3, identify the emotion that best fits your experience in that moment.

You may find that choosing a more precise word immediately reduces the intensity of the emotion and makes it easier to manage.

Key Takeaways
​
• Many challenges people face are connected to difficulty understanding and regulating emotions.
• The broad emotional categories of anger, anxiety, and depression often contain many smaller emotions within them.
• Using more precise emotion words can reduce the intensity of emotional experiences.
• Expanding your emotional vocabulary improves emotional awareness and emotional regulation.
• Asking “What is the next most accurate word for how I feel?” is a simple but powerful emotional regulation skill.


Frequently Asked Questions About Emotional Regulation

What is emotional vocabulary?

Emotional vocabulary refers to the number of words someone has available to accurately describe their emotional experiences. A larger emotional vocabulary helps people better understand and regulate their emotions.

Why is emotional vocabulary important?
​
Emotional vocabulary is important because accurately identifying emotions can reduce emotional intensity and improve emotional regulation.

How does naming emotions help regulate them?

Research in emotional intelligence suggests that labeling emotions activates parts of the brain responsible for reasoning and self-control. This can reduce emotional intensity and make it easier to respond thoughtfully.

What is the difference between anxiety and worry?

Anxiety is a broad emotional category that includes several related emotions such as worry, nervousness, uneasiness, and overwhelm. Identifying the more precise emotion can make the experience easier to manage.


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]]><![CDATA[Selflessness in a “Me-First” World]]>Thu, 19 Feb 2026 20:57:10 GMThttps://www.reachgreaterheights.com/blog/selflessness-in-a-me-first-worldWe live in a culture that constantly promotes self-focus. The messages we hear sound like this:

“You be you.”
“Do what’s right for you.”
“If it doesn’t benefit you, don’t do it.”

Over time, this creates a subtle but powerful “me, me, me” mentality. Perhaps this is why the term “narcissism” is being used so freely today. It seems that almost every conversation includes someone being labeled a narcissist—or labeling someone else as one.

Why is this happening?

I believe it has a lot to do with the way our society pushes a “me-first” mindset. When we are constantly taught to put ourselves at the center of every decision, how can we not drift toward selfishness and narcissism? 

I often get asked, “Why do so many marriages fail?”

There are many reasons, of course—but I would argue that a major one is selfishness.
The same is true in business. Many ventures fail not because of lack of talent or opportunity, but because greed slowly replaces service. When “What’s in it for me?” becomes the driving question, connection and trust begin to erode.

Imagine how different our families, workplaces, and communities would be if we practiced a little more selflessness and a lot less selfishness.

What if we began asking:
  • “What can I do to help you?”
  • “How will this decision affect the people closest to me?”

Recently, a husband told me,

“When I’m kinder to my wife and do more to make her life easier, things are much better between us.”

Imagine that!

This Week’s Challenge

What is one small way you can choose selflessness in your personal or professional life this week?

Sometimes, the smallest shifts create the greatest change!
​]]><![CDATA[Consistency vs Intensity]]>Thu, 12 Feb 2026 03:31:10 GMThttps://www.reachgreaterheights.com/blog/consistency-vs-intensity“Consistency over intensity.”

This simple phrase is powerful—and true in nearly every area of life: work, finances, fitness, nutrition, marriage, parenting, spiritual growth, addiction recovery, and more.

The most obvious examples are fitness and nutrition. No one goes to the gym once and expects to come out ripped or suddenly thin. And no one eats one healthy meal and expects to lose weight. Real change happens through small, consistent actions over time.
Relationships and mental health are no different.

To have a happy, thriving marriage—or a strong relationship with your children—requires consistent effort over time. There are no shortcuts.

When we first meet someone, effort comes easily. We go out of our way to impress, we’re thoughtful, patient, kind, and careful with our words. But over time, many of us slip into what I call “autopilot.”

We stop being intentional. The effort fades. And what was once thriving slowly becomes “just surviving”—and sometimes even a train wreck.

The same thing happens at work or in business. In the beginning, we’re motivated, energized, and willing to do whatever it takes to succeed. But as time goes on, we can fall into routines that no longer reflect our best.

So I’ll leave you with two questions to reflect on this week:
​
  • Is there an area of my life where I’ve gone on autopilot and need to become more consistent?
  • What is one small change I can make this week to build consistency in that area?
















]]><![CDATA[Reacting vs Responding]]>Wed, 04 Feb 2026 02:48:33 GMThttps://www.reachgreaterheights.com/blog/reacting-vs-responding2507266Today I want to talk about the difference between responding and reacting. Most of us have experienced both—and we know that one usually leads to growth, while the other often leads to regret.

So what’s the difference?

Both responding and reacting are driven by emotion. In any given moment, the emotional state we’re in will influence how we behave. The key difference is intentionality.
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  • Reactions are impulsive. They happen quickly, without much thought, and often lead to negative outcomes. We tend to regret them later.
  • Responses are intentional. They are thoughtful, measured, and far more likely to lead to positive results.

Stephen R. Covey taught that between a stimulus (what happens) and a response (what we do) lies our greatest power: the freedom to choose. He believed this is what sets humans apart—we are not bound to instinct alone.

I’ve come to believe that whether we react or respond is largely a matter of habit—and habits can be changed.

The next time you feel the urge to react, try pausing long enough to ask yourself:

“What would it look like if I responded to what I’m feeling instead of reacting to it?”
If you’re in a conversation and feel yourself getting triggered, you might even say:

“Please give me 30 seconds to get my thoughts together.”

It may feel awkward—but the outcome will likely be worth it, especially if others are used to you reacting.

Let me know what you think—I’d love to hear your thoughts.]]><![CDATA[How do I control my emotions while driving?]]>Tue, 19 Aug 2025 20:43:18 GMThttps://www.reachgreaterheights.com/blog/august-19th-2025This can easily be answered with three words - Change your story! What do I mean by change your story? It may be a little more complicated that just changing your story, but maybe not. When we look at emotion regulation we usually want to change our emotion and our behavior, or reactions to our emotions. Just how do we do that? 

Let’s start with what’s causing the emotion in the first place. With this question, it’s clearly other drivers on the road and what these drivers do or do not do while driving. Maybe they cut us off, drive too slow, or too fast, run red lights or stop signs, almost hit us, and the list can go on and on! 

I use driving as an example for emotion regulation very often because it is such a universal human experience that most people can relate to it in one way or another! I would say anybody who drives has had an emotional reaction to other drivers, whether that is being a little annoyed or having full blown road rage. Most people probably fall somewhere in the middle. If the other drivers was the cause of our emotions, we all would have the same emotional reactions. Clearly that is not the case. 

The fact the not everybody has the same emotional and behavioral responses to other driver’s shortcomings, teaches us something different is going on with those who get annoyed vs those who rage, or more commonly get angry and may utter a not so nice statement, either in their mind or out loud. What is different between these drivers and their reactions? Simply but, they have different stories. Said another way, their perceptions and thoughts about “why” the other driver did what they did, is different. Following are some examples of different stories or perceptions and the possible emotions attached to them: 

Story and Emotion

I can’t believe they did that! What a jerk! They don’t care about anybody else on the road. 
Anger

What an &%$@ hole!  THey could have killed me or someone else! 
Anger

Wow, that was careless! They need to learn how to drive. 
Frustrated

Rude!
Annoyed

They sure are in a hurry, hope everything is ok! 
Worry, Concern

I bet they are on their phone (or you see they are on their phone)!
Anger, frustration


We allow our stories and our reactions to become very habitual. We are kind of on “autopilot” with our thoughts, feelings, and actions. When we get off “autopilot” and become very aware and mindful of our story and challenge the story, we can become very in control of our emotions. This is definitely easier said than done! Practice makes better. The good news is, you will have plenty of opportunity to practice being aware of your story and not just when driving. This concept is true in all situations that create strong emotions. Nine times out of ten, when our emotions get to the level of anger, it usually is because our story is off.  

What if our story is “right”? Maybe they are a jerk or an &%#@hole? The reality is, we really do not know. I had an “aha” moment while driving that changed me getting angry at other drivers (for the vast majority of the time:). I was guilty of turning in front of someone and almost causing an accident. The person honked and gave me the universal hand jester of them being upset with me. I assume they had some not so nice thoughts about me. I had some interesting thoughts in that moment. I thought, if they really knew me, they would know I’m not a jerk or an &%#@hole. They would know I made an honest mistake of inattention and would not have waved to me with their middle finger. They would know I’m a nice guy! 

In that moment, I realized that I had done, at some time or another, most, if not all, the things I have got upset at toward other drivers. I know I’m not a bad guy or even a bad driver, most of the time. So, maybe they are not either. Maybe they just “made a mistake” like me? So, now I try to give others the benefit of the doubt whether I’m driving or in any other of life circumstances. I am definitely not perfect at this. Sometimes, I too get on “autopilot” and react in an unhealthy way. Luckily, life gives me opportunities every day to be mindful of my story and keep my emotions and behavior in check! 


So how do you control your emotions while driving? Change your story! ]]><![CDATA[How do you go about talking to a friend about their addiction while being supportive and coming from a place of love?]]>Thu, 07 Aug 2025 21:03:18 GMThttps://www.reachgreaterheights.com/blog/how-do-you-go-about-talking-to-a-friend-about-their-addiction-while-being-supportive-and-coming-from-a-place-of-loveApproaching a loved one about concerns regarding their either obvious or suspected problem with an addiction can be challenging to say the least. How is this to be done effectively? So much will depend on where they are at with acknowledging their problem. As a loved one, I believe it is important to have a basic idea of the Stages of Change people tend to go through when they change any behavior, including an addiction. This concept comes from decades of research by a group of people who wanted to understand how people change successfully. I highly recommend the book, “Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively” Forward by James O. Prochaska, John Norcross, Carlo DiClemente.

I believe it is important to understand these stages because it will determine how a loved one and even an informed counselor will approach the situation. Each stage has specific ways to help. 

Following is a brief explanation of the stages of change. When it comes to addiction, I only go over the first 5 stages of change. 

Stage 1: Precontemplation

This is what I call the proverbial “denial” stage. People in this stage are not even thinking about changing their behavior. When their behavior is brought up, they often get defensive and deny that their behavior causes any problems in their life. 

Stage 2: Contemplation

When someone is in this stage of change, they are thinking about changing their behavior. They may not know when or how but they know their behavior is a problem and they are considering making a change. When others bring up their behavior, they are much more likely to listen and not get defensive. 

Stage 3: Preparation

This is the “planning” stage of change. They are staring to do their homework and look for the best ways to go about stopping their behavior. Do they need professional help? What level of professional help to they need? This could be residential treatment, like a rehab center. This is where they will go and live for thirty plus days. They could join an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) or work with an individual therapist. These are the professional options. The non professional options is a support group such as AA or other Anonymous groups, Celebrate Recovery (faith based), or SMART Recovery (cognitive approach). Or, they could just decide to do it on their own without any professional or support group help. 

While they are in the preparation stage of change, they are also deciding the when they will implement the course of action they choose. This is usually within a short period of time. 

Stage 4: Action

This is what I call the “Nike” stage of change. This is when they “just do it”. They put into action their plan. They go to treatment or a support group. They stick to the date they chose to stop and do it. This does not mean their will not be slips or relapses, but if they stay in action, they get back on track and continue their plan of stopping. 

Stage 5: Maintenance

Maintenance is the stage I refer to as “recovery”. This is where they have been successful with their sobriety for a period of time and are maintaining it consistently. 

If someone will not admit they have a problem, then they obviously are in the Precontemplation stage of change. We cannot expect them to be in any other stage until they choose to get there. So how can you help in this situation? The authors of The Stages of Change teach that the best way to help someone in Precontemplation is to raise their awareness of the problems their behavior may be creating in their life. However, this does take some finesse from my experience. 

I have found that approaching the situation from a place of love, concern, and curiosity will give you the best chance for them to respond positively. It’s not a guarantee, it will just give you the best chance. 

Possible ways to to start the conversation: 

  1. Can I ask what makes you believe you do not have a problem or issue with ________?
  2. Would you be open to hearing some concerns I have about your drinking (or other substance or behavior)? 

Another good book is Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, and Emily Gregory. This book goes into great detail on how to have difficult conversations with others. 

Here are for steps they outline when addressing difficult topics:

1. See and Hear: 

Start by addressing the facts of what you have seen and heard. Do not talk about what you think is going on or what you assume is going on. Only state the facts. These are things that they could not refute, at least logically. 

2. Story:
 
Share what thoughts you are having about the situation. Your thoughts may or may not align with their thoughts and that is ok. This is where you can share your perceptions about the situation, right or wrong. 

3. Feel: 

Based on the facts and your story (or thoughts and perceptions about the facts), what feelings do you have. Examples may be worried, concerned, afraid etc. 

4. Act: 

What are you requesting they do? Or do you have specific boundaries that need to be set based on the behavior you have seen? You might say something like, “Have you considered talking to a professional?” Or “Would you be willing to talk to someone and get a professional opinion?”

Obviously, there is not a guarantee that this will work. Especially, if they are deep in the Precontemplation stage of change. What is being done, is they know you care and are concerned about them and you may be planting a seed for them to consider that they may have a problem and they will move themself from Precontemplation to Contemplation, thus on the way to changing their behavior! 

]]><![CDATA[10 Tips for a successful marriage]]>Sun, 06 Jul 2025 00:14:31 GMThttps://www.reachgreaterheights.com/blog/10-tips-for-a-successful-marriageHere my top ten tips to making sure your marriage is as strong in 20 years as it was the day you got married.

Tip 1: Never stop putting in the effort
Thriving marriages take consistent effort over the duration of the relationship. When a couple first meets, they willingly put in maximum effort to get the other to fall in love with them. Each person does what they need to do to ensure the relationship progresses in the direction they want. Thriving marriages are skill-based, not just love-based. The problem is that too many couples rely solely on the fact that they love each other and don’t put in the effort and energy to learn how to stay in love. When the butterflies fly away, they need the skills and tools to keep the love strong. They need to do love (the verb), not just rely on love (the feeling).
People tend to put a lot of effort into learning the skills for their career. They’ll attend seminars, trainings, workshops, and earn multiple certifications to be the best at their craft. People will also invest a lot of time and effort in learning their hobby—whether it’s golf, hunting, gaming, cooking, gardening, etc.If people put as much energy, time, and money into learning how to be the best spouse they could be, we would have far fewer divorces.

Tip 2: Know what a thriving marriage means to you and your spouse
Everyone wants a thriving marriage on their wedding day! But what does that look like? It’s subjective—what feels like “thriving” to one couple may not be to another. I challenge couples to do two things:
  1. Identify couples in your circle who you’d say are “thriving” and have been married for over five years. This is likely a small number compared to how many couples you know. For those you’re comfortable with, interview them. Let them know you admire their marriage and ask what they believe contributes to its success. You’ll get some great ideas!
  2. Sit down together and write out what a thriving marriage means to each of you individually—and as a couple.
The rest of these tips are my thoughts on what it takes to have a thriving marriage.

Tip 3: Put effort into staying emotionally connected
A marriage can’t thrive without emotional connection—also known as intimacy. A fun way to remember this is the phrase: “In-to-me-you-see.” Say it quickly, and it sounds like intimacy.  Ask yourselves: What is one thing your spouse does (or could do) that makes you feel emotionally connected to them? Once identified, commit to doing that consistently.
Key factors that support emotional connection include:
  • Trust – Define what trust means to each of you
  • Respect
  • Love – Know each other’s love language
  • Deep sharing
  • Emotional safety
  • Kindness
  • Shared leisure activities (that both enjoy equally)
When both partners feel strong in these areas, they’re well on their way to a thriving marriage. It’s important to note that wives generally want and need more emotional connection. While husbands need it too, they tend to be more content with less. I encourage husbands to put in extra effort to help their wives feel emotionally connected. Women often invest in this area more naturally.

Tip 4: Keep the passion burning bright
Just as emotional intimacy is essential, so is physical intimacy. Two important elements of healthy physical intimacy are:
  • Attraction
  • A mutually satisfying sexual relationship
Both partners should put effort into staying physically attractive to each other. This was likely a factor that brought you together in the first place. Just because you’ve exchanged rings doesn’t give you a license to “let yourself go.” Yes, bodies change over time—but that doesn’t remove the responsibility to stay in the best shape you can.
The second factor is ensuring that your sexual experiences are mutually satisfying.
This usually requires more focus for the wife. While many men are content if physical intimacy simply happens, most women need:
  • Emotional connection
  • Feeling desired and appreciated
  • Communication and attentiveness
Men may not feel emotionally connected and still want sex. Women, however, often need emotional connection to want sex at all—let alone enjoy it. So again, this ties back to Tip 3: When emotional connection is strong, physical intimacy tends to follow naturally.

Tip 5: Practice effective communication skills
Most couples who enter counseling want to “improve communication.” Communication has two components:
  • The presenter
  • The receiver
Each has specific skills they must learn.Three major barriers to effective communication are:
  • Poor emotional regulation
  • Different perceptions
  • Ego
It takes effort and skill to have difficult conversations without one partner attacking and the other becoming defensive.

Tip 6: Learn to regulate your emotions
Couples never argue when they’re happy, calm, and content. Arguments happen when emotions get in the way. That’s when hurtful things get said—things we later regret but can’t take back. This is where grandma’s advice still rings true: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
The problem? Most people were never taught how to regulate their emotions. Unless they take the time to learn or go to counseling, they won’t. Instead, they go on emotional autopilot, which often leads to destructive reactions. So, take the time to learn how to manage your own emotions!

Tip 7: Keep your ego in check
Ego—or pride—is a major obstacle to connection. Ego is about being “right,” which makes someone else “wrong.” And nobody likes to be wrong. Arguments often stem less from right vs. wrong and more from differences in perception. The key is to worry less about who’s “right” and focus more on understanding each other’s perspective. As many authors have taught: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Genuinely try to understand your spouse’s point of view.

Tip 8: Know your and your spouse’s personality
Personality plays a huge role in both attraction and conflict. Understanding your own personality—and your spouse’s—can be a powerful tool. Each personality comes with strengths and limitations. At the beginning of the relationship, we’re drawn to the strengths and often overlook the flaws. But over time, couples tend to focus more on each other’s limitations and less on what they once admired.
By understanding each other’s natural limitations, you can grow more patient and compassionate. By understanding your own limitations, you can actively work to overcome them. Having a weakness isn’t an excuse to stay stuck—it’s a responsibility to improve.

Tip 9: Maintain a 5:1 positive-to-negative interaction ratio
Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that healthy marriages have five positive interactions for every one negative. Think of them as deposits and withdrawals in your love account. When a couple has a large savings of positive interactions, the occasional withdrawal (conflict, stress, mistake) doesn’t hurt much. But when the account is overdrawn, even a minor withdrawal feels like a major crisis.
Positive interactions can be:
  • Kind words or gestures
  • Acts of service
  • Affection
  • Speaking your spouse’s love language
  • Simply being kind
Keep your love account full.

Tip 10: Spend time together
Strong marriages require time together. It’s a simple fact: If you don’t spend time with someone, you will grow emotionally and physically disconnected. No matter your love language, quality time matters. Life gets busy—jobs, kids, family, and friends. But thriving couples make time for each other, no matter what.
Two essential habits:
  • Weekly dates
  • Yearly getaways
These don’t have to be extravagant—just consistent. With some creativity, planning, and budgeting, any couple can make this work. For couples with kids: these times should be just the two of you 99% of the time. Family activities are important, but they’re a different category.n Children need to see their parents prioritize their marriage. It’s good for the kids, and it’s good for you!

​]]><![CDATA[Why have depression and anxiety increased over the past several years?]]>Wed, 02 Jul 2025 16:53:45 GMThttps://www.reachgreaterheights.com/blog/why-have-depression-and-anxiety-increased-over-the-past-several-yearsDepression and anxiety have increased in the last 25 years, especially after 2010. We know this is strongly correlated to the development and almost exclusive use of the smart phone. Adolescent depression and anxiety have increased the most, but it has also increased for most age groups. 
 As for the second question, one can find research to affirm that each of these factors contribute and correlate to the increase of depression and anxiety: social media, lack of exercise, poor diet, lack of faith and less church attendance, and working from home. It is important to note that it is “correlational” and not “causal”. 
Let’s look at each one of these individually. 
  1. Social media and all screen time:  
Increased time on social media, video games, YouTube, and pornography definitely contribute to the increase of adolescent depression and anxiety. This behavior is training the brain for receiving a “high reward” for “low effort”. This can make normal activities seem much less pleasurable. Spending time on a device also limits in-person social interaction, and as social beings, when this is limited or eliminated from one’s life, it will effect their mental and emotional health. 
Social media often leads to comparing your worst with other’s best. This is especially detrimental for adolescent girls more than adolescent boys. Social media platforms also allow friends to see live updates of all their friend’s activities often including their real time locations. If a teen sees their friends are all together, and they were not invited, this effects their self-esteem, thus increasing feelings of sadness and loneliness. 
Not only does this behavior effect depression and anxiety, it also has a major impact on the health of marriages. It can also lead to addictions including gaming, pornography, and screen time in general. 
If you are interested in learning more about this topic, I would highly recommend the book 
iGen: Why Today's Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy--and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood--and What That Means for the Rest of Us  Jean M. Twenge PhD  

2. Lack of Exercise and poor diet: 
Both of these factors contribute to the rise in depression and anxiety. Each effects the other to create a vicious loop which looks like the following: 
  • Low energy from poor diet → less motivation to exercise
  • No exercise → worse mood and stress tolerance
  • Stress and low mood → cravings for junk food
  • Junk food → more inflammation and gut damage → worsening mood
This loop sustains and amplifies anxiety and depression symptoms, especially in children and adolescents. This feedback loop is also amplified with the above factor of screen time. The more kids, and adults, are on their devices, the less movement they are probably getting, and are more than likely reaching or unhealthy foods, thus increasing the changes of experiencing depression and anxiety. 
There is plenty of research to prove regular exercise and a healthier diet are effective antidotes to depression and anxiety. The real challenge is, taking a pill takes a lot less effort and time than exercising and preparing healthy meals do. People have to be committed to putting in the effort and spending the time to take care of themselves physically. 
The following book is a great book explaining the effects exercise has on the brain and mental health: 
Spark by John J. Ratey

3. Lack of Faith. 

This one is an interesting factor. The research goes both ways. While there is sufficient research that shows lack of faith can be associate with higher levels of depression and anxiety, being a part of particular faith groups can also be associated with increased depression and anxiety. There are multiple factors that need to be considered on both sides and I am sure an entire book could be written on both subjects. 

I would break it down into two categories; faith the verb and faith the noun. Faith the verb, I would believe can help reduce depression and anxiety because it provides a sense of meaning and purpose, coping skills, moral framework, hope, and resilience to the challenges of life. Faith the noun, which constitutes a religious group and community can provide a positive social support. All of these can help with depression and anxiety. 

However, on the other hand, there are ways in which faith can cause or add to one’s depression and anxiety if it induces shame and high levels of guilt. If a specific faith community is rigid, judgmental, and fear based, this clearly will not help depression and anxiety. 

Faith communities that promote the golden rule, “Do unto others as you have them do unto you” will more than likely foster positive mental health. 

4. Working from home

Working from home can increase and decrease depression and anxiety. I would say personality plays a key role in what effect this has on an individual. Those who are more introverted by nature will probably have less anxiety and depression working from home, while those who are more extroverted by nature will see an increase of depression and anxiety. 

In conclusion, each of these issues: screen time, lack of exercise, poor diet, lack of faith, and working from home, each have an influence on depression, anxiety, marriage problems, and addiction. When we put time and effort into our physical, mental, and spiritual health, we will less likely suffer from each of these challenges. 
Here are some recent statistics on depression and anxiety: 
Global Rise in Mental Disorders
​
  • According to the World Health Organization (WHO), the number of people with depression increased by more than 18% between 2005 and 2015.
  • In 2021, the Lancet published findings showing a 25% global increase in anxiety and depression during the first year of the COVID-19 pandemic alone.
United States Data
  • CDC data (National Health Interview Survey, 2000s–2020s) shows consistent increases in reported symptoms of anxiety and depression, especially post-2010.
  • Adolescent depression in the U.S. rose by over 50% between 2005 and 2017, with suicidal ideation doubling in some age groups (Twenge et al., 2017).
  • Young women have shown the sharpest increases in mental health disorders.


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